(Migrated from Substack)
A few days (weeks?) ago I asked on Threads as to whether anyone would read if I started up some sort of a blog again, because I feel like I have stuff to say. And some people said yes. And because I cannot just write for writings sake and I need external approval (or something), I decided that my words should be public.
I used to have a blog. A few actually. In various different platforms – Blogger, BlogSpot, WordPress, Tumblr (Tumblr taught me a lot). I even had a couple of personal websites that I designed and coded myself, back in the HTML days before coding got really fancy and complicated.
I feel like I have always had an internet presence in various social ways. From chatrooms back in the early 00’s, a network of personal websites/camgirls/bloggers, MSN (a/s/l anyone?) to Twitter (basically saved me at a point where I thought I was going to lose my little mind) and now Threads, where I spend far too much time.
The thing that connects all of these things, and brings me back time and time again, are the people. And considering I have a strong disdain for teh general public, it surprises me even now that I seek out this sort of social interaction with fellow humans.
I suppose, this way (on t’internet) it’s kind of on my terms. I get to pick and choose who my people are, but still hope that they think I’m kinda cool and they still choose to adopt me also because I don’t know how to make friends. Well, I say I don’t, but I seem to have picked up the most incredible ones lately. And again, Threads has, and continues to, save me. And I mean that in the most serious way possible.
These last few years have been an absolute tornado. In the way a tornado picks up and flings around and picks and chooses what it is going to destroy and what it is going to save, and when it is all over, you have to find what is not broken, what can be saved, and what you have to build anew (I’ve literally just thought of that metaphor, and now I feel like a genius because it is a perfect analogy (analogy? metaphor? pick one woman) to how my life has been.
Threads has been a lifesaver. It has allowed me to share feelings, which I generally hate to do. I mean, I hate to admit I even have feelings, never mind share them. And those feelings have been accepted and empathised with and supported by friends and strangers alike. It’s allowed me to be happy, to vent, to be funny (which is what I aspire to be always), to find likeminded people, to feel like I fit in; but without assimilation. I can be part of a ‘gang’, but not lose myself. Not have to create a persona because people don’t ‘get’ me. It’s basically Twitter, before Twitter became really fucking shit. And I love it. And I hope it continues in this way because I’m not sure it can be replicated again.
Yes, I used ‘assimilation’, because I have a seriously hyper-strong sense of autonomy and of self. I have always been fiercely independent, even as a kid. I have very strong ideas of who I want to be as a person, and I will fight to keep that sense of self. Even if it sometimes gets buried or boxed up.
I am currently in the process of bringing that ‘self’ back. I have seen glimpses of the feisty, independent, strong, tenacious free spirit that I used to be. And I want to honour her and allow her her freedom again. And I feel like I am getting to be in a position to do so. I want to embrace that madness, that flighty dreamer, that part of me that had ambition and drive and passion. I lost her for a long while, she was driven away from me, but I see her.
I will honour her.